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I am ALIVE and that IS important

October 8, 2018

My mission in this world is to make women feel heard and empowered, beautiful and loved, supported and inspired. While on this journey, I have created my Phoenix sessions. They are completely FREE to SURVIVORS of Domestic and Sexual Assault. I know they may not completely take away the pain of what they have survived and endured but it is my hope that for those moments with me and the days following, that maybe the pain isn't as bad. 

 

So, without prattling on, it is my honor to share with you, the story of S.B. I am so truly proud of her for the strength, courage and grace that she showed during her session. You are beautiful. You are kind. You are worthy. You are enough. You are alive. You are a Phoenix.

 

When I was 3 is when it began, “my Uncle”, who was supposed to be my family, sexually abused me. He had a sick obsession of cross-dressing so, he would put on panty hose and grab my hands and run them all over his private area and his thighs. He told me every time after he was done, that he would kill my parents if I ever told anyone. This went on for 6  years. How did he get me alone? Well, my parents worked A LOT and he was always available to babysit in a pinch (of course!). I would always cringe at the sight of him and be sick to my stomach knowing I was going to be forced to please him, in his sick and twisted ways.

I remember every single detail in the rooms he would commit these acts of abuse. For the years that followed, I thought and planned out how I was going to end the pain and the torture I went through every day being reminded with flashbacks. I hated my body, no matter how much I showered or washed myself I still felt dirty. I wanted to end my life. It was something I couldn’t escape. I’d get to that point weekly but when it came time. I thought about my mom, my dad, sister and brother, my family. How would they react? Should I leave a note as to why? I still wanted to live my life, I wanted to go to college and become a nurse, I wanted to get married and have kids BUT how could I do that if I ended my life?!

It happened in 2 different counties. One county was more than willing to help me catch him, the other county, just shrugged it off. The detective I got involved with here in Centre County found out that the Statute of Limitations is 50 years for PA. 22 of those have passed now. I didn’t tell anyone my story until I was 22. Why so long? The fear of him threatening to kill my parents if I ever told anyone. He was in prison for a majority of the years I kept quiet but, one day I found out he was getting out. I had an almost 2 year old daughter, and the fear of him getting out was drowning me. I wasn’t able to sleep and when I did sleep I had the worst nightmares a mother would ever want. In those nightmares, my daughter was me! In those same rooms and every detail still the exact same. It was like I was watching the abuse happen to me but is was MY DAUGHTER! I would cry and cry when I was alone. I knew I couldn’t go back to wanting to end my life because she counted on me now. It was her I had to worry about before my mom and dad. I couldn’t leave her without a mom. That was when I finally had the courage to tell my mom and dad. I struggled for so long, I couldn’t anymore. That’s when the detective got involved and I started counseling. Counseling ended shortly after because it wasn’t helping. The detective started his job right away and had me write my story in detail then, had me in the station with my phone tapped, listening to me call my “Uncle” and confront him with what he did. He said he didn’t do anything to me but then repeatedly said “ I’m sorry if I did do anything to you”. The detective asked me to end it because we weren’t getting a blatant “yes, I did do it”. The detective then looked at me and said “ I’m sorry, I know he did it but we need him to admit to it. If you didn’t do something of this nature you would deny it every single time, not say “I’m sorry if I did do it”, there’s just nothing more we can do until he says he did it.” Nothing like a slap in the face there.

I won’t ever stop trying to get him to unravel all those lies he’s hiding behind and come clean. I think all those years that I stayed quiet he made himself believe those lies so to him they’re not lies now, it’s his truth. I live with the REAL truth every fucking day. I’m the one who wakes up and has to take meds to cope with my PTSD, depression and anxiety. ALL BECAUSE OF HIM! I’m scarred for life, that is true, I just will not give him the power to pull me into the darkness anymore. I will not end my life because of him. I’m going to live! I have 2 beautiful children to live for, they hold the power, not him!

 

 

 

 

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© 2019 by Chelsey Mills